phone

Laithe

Is everything okay?

Everything's the opposite of ok, but when's it ever ok? If it was, wouldn't it be weird?

I’m just checking on you, want to make sure all is well and if not then who I have to murder to help you out if so.

It's not all well, but it'll pass like everything else... Like a fart in the wind... That's like a hallmark card waiting to happen. What's going on with you? Anything new with you know who? Or anybody... new...

Do you want to talk about the fart at all? Rumor has it that I’m a good listener. And nothing really new at all, I’m sort of laying low and focusing on work because I know if I think about everything else I’m going to end up drinking and doing something I’ll regret

I'd rather talk about farts in general than this particular fart, so no, not really. You are a good listener, things've just been weird lately with us and that's part of what's bothering me. I haven't seen you in forever, I keep saying so like a broken record, I know, but I'm trying to give you space to live your own life cause mom says i'm co-dependent and clingy and I drag you down when I'm always forcing myself into things with you. Have you been drinking again?

Things have been weird between us?? What are you talking about? Laithe, I literally canceled on someone to hang out with you because you wanted to, then you canceled on me and it pissed me the hell off but I let it slide. I always drop everything to try to please you but it’s hard when it seems like you just push me away. And yeah, maybe I have but it’s not a big deal.

I used to see you all the fucking time, man... All the time, or at least talk to you... And I know you're a workaholic, but you've been distant outside of that. You didn't cancel on him, you told me you'd see him some other night, said you didn't even have solid plans at that point and you acted like it was some big inconvenience anyway, so don't gimme that. Don't guilt me over bailing when you know if you don't just come to me, half the time I will... bail that is. You drop everything to please me? I'm the one who's only good for a designated drive home after you drink yourself stupid and can't remember where you're at lately. She says I depend on you? Sure, maybe I do... Did, whatever, but you're just as bad with me and no one ever fucking acknowledges that I had to raise a child from 7 years old on cause she was too busy depressed over your father and too ashamed to ask nonno and yiayia for help. You never learn, do you?

I told you that so you wouldn't get all weird about it and be all sad and shit but clearly that didn't work either! It's like, nothing I can do will help you in any way and you just continue to enjoy being surrounded by negativity and darkness so shit, go ahead then I'm sorry for trying. And I'll make sure not to call you next time I need help home because if that's all you think I need you around for then you're out of your god damn mind. Also, I'm not dad and I'm not sure what "lesson" you're trying to get me to learn this time

You think i enjoy... Being miserable... Well, you're right... I was gonna try acting like i was offended but it's 100% truth. Negativity and darkness are more appealing to me than sunshine and rainbows, sue me. This is nothing new. You never had an issue with it before. If i drank about it would it be more acceptable to you? If i wanted to go grab a couple brewskis with my bro, would you feel less inclined to try making me feel like garbage for accepting that i'm not a happy person and i don't feel a need to hide it? I'm not you, lark. I don't pretend everything's ok cause it's what's socially acceptable. If someone's uncomfortable with my being how i am, they can kick rocks, you included. I didn't fucking say don't call or count on me, i said that lately it feels as though that's the only time i get the call. I have tons of girls constantly on my dick begging for my attention, but the second i see your name on my phone, they're after thoughts.

For you to bring up this fool you're messing around with and say oh wellll i'm supposed to do this with him tonight, but i guess i can hang with you instead? When i manned up and said i needed you which you know is fucking difficult for me? Man, fuck that. That's where we're at now? That's why i didn't come hang. I'm not gonna play second fiddle to some tinder dude... It's supposed to be you and me first, then everybody else, or have you forgotten that? You say you're not "dad" pretty often... Kinda makes you wonder how much of your behavior is influencing both you and i to refer to you as such, hm? In fact, i didn't say it this time... You did. It's not cause you're his spitting image, it's cause you act exactly fucking like him. Alcoholic. Workaholic. Self centered. Thoughtless and a dick who puts everyone else before me. How's that for a lesson?

I'm saying i tried to help you and do what i could to get that darkness away, especially that one night you reached out to me but again, you backed out and then it left me wondering why the hell do i even try? And stop throwing the fucking alcohol in my face laithe, i swear to god i'm going to punch you if you fucking keep it up. It's like you decided to hold all of this in and just spew it at me when i didn't do anything to start it.

Secondly, don't call him a fool and i told you i would come see you. I wasn't expecting you to even reach out to me since i know you have all those girls on your dick since you tell me that all the time. And honestly laithe, you can say it's always us no matter what but it's a two way street and it's not like you've been the greatest at keeping that either. You leave me in the dark all the time, you never tell me shit, it's like i gotta pry it out of you and if it's supposed to be you and me first, why won't you talk to me? I can't help if you don't talk to me.

And thirdly, fuck you for saying that i'm his spitting image.

Telling you i felt like we're distant was me spewing things? You're the one who got all fucking defensive, man. Instead of asking why i felt that way or saying hey what about x y z when i made this effort. You always fucking jump on the defense. I won't quit throwing the alcohol in your face cause you're a goddamn alcoholic. You're sad, you drink. You're happy, you drink. You're bored, you're stressed, you're anxious, you fucking drink. That's like, the textbook definition of alcoholism. You don't know how to feel without it and you want to talk about me and my feelings which i'm left to manage without any kind of numbing agent, ya know, like say, booze. You wanna hit me for mentioning it? For calling to your attention that you have a problem and not patting you on the back for being a functional alcoholic as if that makes it any better? Then do it, dad.

So, we're back to liking him? Do you forget i'm the one who stood up for him? I'm the one who said you were being unfair... Told you give him a fair shot? "don't call him a fool", really? I call everyone a fucking fool, stop being so goddamn sensitive. What does who i'm fucking have to do with us? Like i said, it's always you first. I've bailed on so many of them so many times to come pick your ass up out of a shit situation. Every one of them knows about you, knows how close we were, knows that none of them will ever come before you and i'm willing to bet you haven't said a fucking word about me to him. I bet none of your friends at work know anything about me, that not a soul in your life outside of our family knows a thing about me or how we were cause i'm like your best kept secret. You're embarrassed cause i'm not as successful as you and you've always viewed me as a loser, as this mopey, eeyore following you around while you're happy go lucky tigger who chokes everything down and doesn't acknowledge feeling anything aside from great!!! Is possible. I am talking to you, and you're not liking what i'm saying.

It's the truth, you want me to lie?

laithe, i tried asking you what was up and if everything was okay and you never ever want to talk about it. You always want me to talk about me and that's not what i reached out for you for. If i see that something is wrong or bothering you, i reach out and you just never fucking tell me. I just want to help but i have no idea where the hell this is all coming from and why all of a sudden? I don't remember doing anything recently to piss you off unless you've been holding this in and just decided to let it all come out. And don't worry laithe, i won't bother you anymore with my alcoholism because apparently i am one! Well this alcoholic doesn't have to give you anymore when you need it.

Have you really though? Have you really told everyone about me because i don't believe that for one second. I don't tell people much about my own family because i don't feel the need to share unless they ask. I'm not an open book who just tells anyone anything. Also, where the hell are you getting this from? What makes you say i'm embarrassed about you because you're not as successful as me?? That's not true at all? I never once thought that about you, if anything i think it's great you're doing what you love because not many people can say that

So because i don't want to talk about what's bugging me you can't hang out with me? You can't just fucking spend time with me unless i'm cluing you in to every shitty thing going on with me? I don't wanna fucking talk about shit, it does no good in the end; i want to spend time with my brother being dickheads like we always fucking used to. I wanna go to one of your friends stupid cook outs and watch you all make fools of yourselves and meet girls that wanna fuck us that we either then fuck or make fun of for it, i want to go see a fucking movie or sit around, i wanna do shitty karaoke, i wanna have dinner at yiayias... Why is that asking too much? You didn't do anything to piss me off aside from distance yourself and mom said you needed to anyway, so i'm in the wrong as always for going off. I'm not even acknowledging your passive aggression. You know you have a problem, work on it, and know i'm here if you need the help. The end.

I absolutely have, go ask any one of them and they'll tell you. I'll get the list of names if you need it to boost your fucking ego. Every single one knows you're my top priority, there's no one i love more, so fuck you for that. I'm sure it makes you feel better to think i don't care to bring you up to anyone since you don't talk about me ever, but it's not the case, sorry, bub. Set aside my being family, we were best friends. Were. I can't even stand looking at you right now.

I don't know how else to connect with you anymore unless i ask what's bugging you because i don't know what to say anymore. I'm exhausted, this is exhausting and i don't have it in me anymore to keep arguing with you because we are going around in fucking circles. You don't want to look at me right now? Fine, whatever. We were best friends? Okay, fine. Whatever you fucking want, laithe. I wish we could do all what you said with hanging out and whatnot but i just don't see it happening anytime soon, especially after all the shit we've said. You hurt my feelings, a lot, and i don't care if that makes me seem like a pussy

Man, why'd you have to fucking say that

i love you and i know that's not synonymous with i'm sorry, but it's true